So, I started reading "The Shack", by Paul Young, this week. This will be my second time to read this book. Probably one of the best books I've read in a long time. I originally read it back in the fall of '08....a time of rebirth of sorts for me. It was because of this book that I was able to come to a place of forgiveness for my father.

I realize that not all of the places in my heart that were wounded by my father have completely healed and that there are still areas that I need to forgive him. But I can only deal with those wounds as they come up and continue to live life out of the grace and mercy of my Heavenly Father. I say grace and mercy because that is what I require to function as a father and husband to my family. Everyday, there are times that I operate out of old wounds and hurts of my childhood, but because of God the Fathers grace and mercy for me and His tremendous love for me......I succeed! Because of what He has done in me, my children will have a clearer picture of who God the Father is and His character. And that is something that I missed out on growing up.

I've felt this for years, ever since my parents got divorced, but have only recently fully realized it, and its that there is a vast chasm that separates me from my mother and sisters. This holds true especially in my relationship with my mom. Ever since my parents got divorced in 2000 its been hard for me to carry on any meaningful conversations with either my mom or dad; to look them in the eye when we talk.....there is a lot of hurt associated with those two. Not just for me but for my sisters as well.

Anyhow, I think that's why I picked up "The Shack" again. I'm back in a place now that I know there are hurts and wounds that the Father wants to heal and this book really facilitated that process for me nearly two years ago.

I remember about a year-and-a-half ago asking God to unpack and sort through all the "boxes" that I've stored up in my heart. These "boxes" were brimming with all the hurts, disappointments, wounds, etc., of my childhood, and they were draining the life from me. And because I didn't know how to process these things, to deal with them properly, I packed them away into the deepness of my heart where no one could see them. You would be surprised the kind of junk that surfaces from ones heart when, first you get married, and then have kids.

So, here I am nearly two years later and God my Heavenly Father has healed a lot of hurts and wounds in my life. He got me healed up enough to really trust Him, to lean on Him, to depend on Him, to know Him as Father, and know that He is always good! By saying, "healed up enough", I am not implying that God can't completely heal someone all at once, but rather that this is the way the He has chosen to heal me. And that's what I want, to be complete in the healing process; to not be another "walking wounded". It just goes back to what kind of heritage do I want to leave my children? God is good and always faithful!

Issues of the Heart

What kind of future do I want for my kids? and what am I willing to work through to insure that my kids don't inherit the generational issues that I have had to deal with and continue to work through daily. Am I willing to do whatever it takes? Am I willing to do the hard work now so that these two precious kids aren't someday asking themselves, "why didn't my parents (dad) deal with their his/her issues?". I've been asking myself that question a lot in the ten years since my parents got divorced. I've seen first hand what happens when issues of the heart aren't dealt with and it's not pretty. Families suffer, especially the children. So, now that I have kids, I want to do things different. I know that dealing with my own heart issues is never going to be easy, but if that means that my children don't have to deal with them themselves sometime down the road, then it's worth it.

I think one of the biggest reasons that people don't deal with their issues is that it's either to hard or to painful. Without a clear picture of who our Heavenly Father is and how He feels about us,(that He is crazy about us, that He loves us more than we can fathom, and that He is always good), it always will be.

I'm in the midst of working through some of my own heart issues currently and it's not easy. But, in order for me to have and continue to have strong and healthy relationships, a flowing heart, with my wife and kids it's what I need to do. And I am willing! I refuse to go down the road my own parents went down, especially my dad. I am the head of this family and I am the one who dictates the kind of environment, the "mood" of the home. I know all to well how true this is having grown up in a home that always felt on edge.

I am willing to take on these heart issues head on because I know that my Heavenly Father is always right there with me bearing my burdens. I am willing.........

Truth

There comes a time in ones life when you have to decide what you're going to let control you. What you're going to continue to believe that keeps you in a continuous emotional cycle of up and down. I think about this a lot because there are things that I believe to be true about myself, about life, about people........and I don't want to spend my entire life living under or being controlled by what isn't true. And what do we call things that aren't true? There are so many things that I have spent a lifetime believing, things that aren't true, that affect how I function in life. And because I have spent a lifetime believing these "lies" the have become "truth" in my life. Do you see how disfunctional this? It's a problem that I want to address in my life because I don't want to pass these things on to my children.

The irony of all this, I guess, is that I have such a desire in my heart for people to not only hear truth, but to experience truth. For me personally, it has been a long process to come into a greater understanding and experience of truth. The truth that I refer to, is that my Heavenly Father loves me, that He cares about me, and that there is nothing that I can do to make Him love me anymore or less! I grew up hearing that my Heavenly Father loved me and knowing that He loved me, but until I experienced that love, it was only head knowledge. There is a difference between knowledge and experience. Check this out: http://www.youtube.com/user/whizzpopping#p/u/56/LSW8XxiIwyI

That is what I'm after, a continual experience of the Father's love. And as I've been going after this, I have found that God the Father is nothing like what I grew up being taught. It is my desire to take my experience with Christ and give it away to others. It's what I, a follower of Jesus, am called to do. (Matthew 28:18-20)

The truth that that God loves us, the truth that God is always good, is the ultimate truth. And deep within each and everyone of our heart is that longing for truth.

Happy Birthday Catherine!......

Today is my wife Catherine's birthday! And I want everyone to know how much I love her. To say that she is a blessing to my life and to the lives of our kids and those who know her would be an understatement. She is my queen!

Catherine has been on spring break this week and combined with her parents being in town, she has been able to do a lot of gardening, as in getting our vegetable garden planted. So, for her birthday I wanted to get her a pair of "garden clogs". Being the procrastinator that I am, (or maybe I'm just hopelessly forgetful), I went to buy her a pair last night. I went to Lowes to find some but had no such luck. Similarly I had no luck finding a pair at Wal-Mart. So, it looks like I'm either going to have to find some online or someplace else. If anyone knows where I can find a pair, please let me know.

I'm not functioning very well this morning. I've been riding a lot these past few weeks and I consistently don't get enough sleep. So, now the lack of quality sleep is starting to catch up with me. Eleven O' Clock is when I usually go to bed. I would go to bed earlier, but after the kids are in bed is the only time during the day that Catherine and I can have some "down" time.

5a.m. is when I usually drag myself out of bed, make some coffee, and spend some quiet time listening to worship music and reading my bible or whatever book I may be reading at the time. It used to be that I would get up at 4:30a.m. to do this, but it seems that I've been having a harder and harder time doing this.

It used to be that I would allow things like not getting enough "quality" time with my Heavenly Father affect me. But, I've come to learn that He loves me whether I spend 2hrs with Him or 2minutes. I remember all to well the mornings that I would over sleep and only get to spend 5minutes or so pursuing the Father and how I would feel that I had disappointed Him with not spending enough time reading my bible. I realize now that that thought process comes from a place of not understanding the character of my Heavenly Father. He loves me regardless! He loves us regardless!

I remember one morning oversleeping. This was after I had had some breakthrough in the area of understanding my Heavenly Fathers heart for me. I was disappointed that I wasn't going to be able to spend as much time pursuing God the way that I like too. However, on this particular morning the Lord reminded me of what David said in Psalm 87:10 "A single day in your courts is better than a thousand anywhere else!" So, since then, I always remind myself of this Psalm when I oversleep on some weekday morning. It's been very freeing.

Sometimes, no most of the time, I go back and read what I have written and think to myself, "does this make sense to anybody but myself? Is this even coherent?". I don't know......I'm much better at riding a bike than I am at writing. But, I'll give it a shot in hopes that I can have an impact on somebody's life if not just my own...........

Rhapsody Criterium- Denton, TX

Racing in Texas is always challenging. You're racing against some of the best cyclists in the region not to mention some of the best teams. I'm reminded that anyone can ride a bike fast. but not many people can ride a bike fast and be able to make repeated HARD accelerations and attacks. This is what yesterday was like for me when I went down to Texas to race the Rhapsody Denton Criterium.

Brian Parks and I left Norman yesterday morning around 8:15am and got to the race course at 10:30am. Brian drives like a man possessed! Got there, got my number, got ready, and went out for a short ride to warm up the "mules" for a hard race.

Race time was at 12:45 for the P,1,2,3 race. The field size was between forty and fifty racers with a couple of teams, (Metro Volkswagen, Park Place Lexus) well represented with five to seven riders apiece. I was a little nervous this being my first Texas race of the season and I new it was going to be very, fast!

3-2-1, GO! As predicted, attacks came fast and often. It took a great amount of effort to stay in the top ten riders initially, but after a few laps things settled down just enough to be able to do so.

I would say that I was very active in the race. Maybe to much. Racing in Texas I don't know a lot of the riders or teams, so I don't know who's strong and who' not. So you're taking a gamble anytime you go with an attack or try and bridge a gap. Me being the aggresive type racer, which works for me and against me when I race, went with several of the initial attacks. I would make it into a break only to realize a lap or two later that we had been caught. One can only do this so many times before they burn all their "matches".

Anyhow, a break of three finally got up the road and then another break of four leaving a shattered field to contend for a pack sprint in the end. I ended up sprinting for 10th. Normally the races that I do pay ten deep but today the race only paid seven deep.

I'm happy with how I raced. Halfway through I wanted to quit, but due to the determination, and tenacity that God has put in me, quitting is never an option. I could have raced smarter and had I done that I may have been able to make the winning move of the day. But that's part of bike racing for me this season. To learn how to race well, and not just ride fast. Because, like I said, anybody can ride fast.

Data from Race:
TIme: 1hr 15mins.
Avg Power.: 358watts
Avg Speed: 25.3mph
Avg. Heartrate: 168bpm

Blessed

I'm sitting here at the kitchen table sipping on Gobena coffee, (http://gobena.org/), eating some oatmeal, and watching Lucy, my 2yr old, play. Later this morning myself and a teammate are driving down to Denton, Tx to race.

I was just sitting here thinking how blessed I am. God has given me a beautiful wife and two beautiful kids. God is good! Always, always, always!

The Father's Faithfulness

I am convinced that God the Father is constantly at work in our lives. He is always thinking of us and He has been thinking of us since before we were ever born. Psalm 139:17-18 says, "How precious are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I could count them, they would outnumber the sand...." The peoples of this earth are ALL precious to Him. He cares deeply for us.

With this in mind, why then do I fret about life. Jesus said, "Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?"- Matthew 6:26 So, why do I fret? Why do you fret? God the Father will take care of us! He will supply ALL of our needs! And not just the essential ones, but even the ones that seem insignificant to you.

Catherine and I, every month have to depend on our Heavenly Father to provide for us. We as a family are in a season of God demonstrating to us His faithfulness to provide for all our needs. Some months I don't know how we get by........but we do and it's because our Heavenly Father provides for us. It's this lifestyle of complete dependency on God and His faithfulness that Catherine and I want our children to grow up experiencing and then knowing in their hearts.

We want to pass on revelation of Gods faithfulness and not just information. Let me explain; I think to many people, when they hear someone speak of God's faithfulness or God providing for all their needs, will nod there heads in agreement along with an "amen" here and there. This is what I would call information. But how many of those same people actually open there hearts up to Him and allow themselves to experience His faithfulness and provision in their lives? To allow Him to provide financially for them instead of depending on a credit card, a bank loan, a loan from a family member or friend, etc.?

It's hard to do because we tend to naturally want to pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps. That's the legacy that was passed down to me from my parents, but it's not what I want to pass on to Ezekiel and Lucy. I want for them to grow up knowing, in there hearts, that God is faithful and that He is ALWAYS good!