Issues of the Heart

What kind of future do I want for my kids? and what am I willing to work through to insure that my kids don't inherit the generational issues that I have had to deal with and continue to work through daily. Am I willing to do whatever it takes? Am I willing to do the hard work now so that these two precious kids aren't someday asking themselves, "why didn't my parents (dad) deal with their his/her issues?". I've been asking myself that question a lot in the ten years since my parents got divorced. I've seen first hand what happens when issues of the heart aren't dealt with and it's not pretty. Families suffer, especially the children. So, now that I have kids, I want to do things different. I know that dealing with my own heart issues is never going to be easy, but if that means that my children don't have to deal with them themselves sometime down the road, then it's worth it.

I think one of the biggest reasons that people don't deal with their issues is that it's either to hard or to painful. Without a clear picture of who our Heavenly Father is and how He feels about us,(that He is crazy about us, that He loves us more than we can fathom, and that He is always good), it always will be.

I'm in the midst of working through some of my own heart issues currently and it's not easy. But, in order for me to have and continue to have strong and healthy relationships, a flowing heart, with my wife and kids it's what I need to do. And I am willing! I refuse to go down the road my own parents went down, especially my dad. I am the head of this family and I am the one who dictates the kind of environment, the "mood" of the home. I know all to well how true this is having grown up in a home that always felt on edge.

I am willing to take on these heart issues head on because I know that my Heavenly Father is always right there with me bearing my burdens. I am willing.........

Truth

There comes a time in ones life when you have to decide what you're going to let control you. What you're going to continue to believe that keeps you in a continuous emotional cycle of up and down. I think about this a lot because there are things that I believe to be true about myself, about life, about people........and I don't want to spend my entire life living under or being controlled by what isn't true. And what do we call things that aren't true? There are so many things that I have spent a lifetime believing, things that aren't true, that affect how I function in life. And because I have spent a lifetime believing these "lies" the have become "truth" in my life. Do you see how disfunctional this? It's a problem that I want to address in my life because I don't want to pass these things on to my children.

The irony of all this, I guess, is that I have such a desire in my heart for people to not only hear truth, but to experience truth. For me personally, it has been a long process to come into a greater understanding and experience of truth. The truth that I refer to, is that my Heavenly Father loves me, that He cares about me, and that there is nothing that I can do to make Him love me anymore or less! I grew up hearing that my Heavenly Father loved me and knowing that He loved me, but until I experienced that love, it was only head knowledge. There is a difference between knowledge and experience. Check this out: http://www.youtube.com/user/whizzpopping#p/u/56/LSW8XxiIwyI

That is what I'm after, a continual experience of the Father's love. And as I've been going after this, I have found that God the Father is nothing like what I grew up being taught. It is my desire to take my experience with Christ and give it away to others. It's what I, a follower of Jesus, am called to do. (Matthew 28:18-20)

The truth that that God loves us, the truth that God is always good, is the ultimate truth. And deep within each and everyone of our heart is that longing for truth.

Happy Birthday Catherine!......

Today is my wife Catherine's birthday! And I want everyone to know how much I love her. To say that she is a blessing to my life and to the lives of our kids and those who know her would be an understatement. She is my queen!

Catherine has been on spring break this week and combined with her parents being in town, she has been able to do a lot of gardening, as in getting our vegetable garden planted. So, for her birthday I wanted to get her a pair of "garden clogs". Being the procrastinator that I am, (or maybe I'm just hopelessly forgetful), I went to buy her a pair last night. I went to Lowes to find some but had no such luck. Similarly I had no luck finding a pair at Wal-Mart. So, it looks like I'm either going to have to find some online or someplace else. If anyone knows where I can find a pair, please let me know.

I'm not functioning very well this morning. I've been riding a lot these past few weeks and I consistently don't get enough sleep. So, now the lack of quality sleep is starting to catch up with me. Eleven O' Clock is when I usually go to bed. I would go to bed earlier, but after the kids are in bed is the only time during the day that Catherine and I can have some "down" time.

5a.m. is when I usually drag myself out of bed, make some coffee, and spend some quiet time listening to worship music and reading my bible or whatever book I may be reading at the time. It used to be that I would get up at 4:30a.m. to do this, but it seems that I've been having a harder and harder time doing this.

It used to be that I would allow things like not getting enough "quality" time with my Heavenly Father affect me. But, I've come to learn that He loves me whether I spend 2hrs with Him or 2minutes. I remember all to well the mornings that I would over sleep and only get to spend 5minutes or so pursuing the Father and how I would feel that I had disappointed Him with not spending enough time reading my bible. I realize now that that thought process comes from a place of not understanding the character of my Heavenly Father. He loves me regardless! He loves us regardless!

I remember one morning oversleeping. This was after I had had some breakthrough in the area of understanding my Heavenly Fathers heart for me. I was disappointed that I wasn't going to be able to spend as much time pursuing God the way that I like too. However, on this particular morning the Lord reminded me of what David said in Psalm 87:10 "A single day in your courts is better than a thousand anywhere else!" So, since then, I always remind myself of this Psalm when I oversleep on some weekday morning. It's been very freeing.

Sometimes, no most of the time, I go back and read what I have written and think to myself, "does this make sense to anybody but myself? Is this even coherent?". I don't know......I'm much better at riding a bike than I am at writing. But, I'll give it a shot in hopes that I can have an impact on somebody's life if not just my own...........

Rhapsody Criterium- Denton, TX

Racing in Texas is always challenging. You're racing against some of the best cyclists in the region not to mention some of the best teams. I'm reminded that anyone can ride a bike fast. but not many people can ride a bike fast and be able to make repeated HARD accelerations and attacks. This is what yesterday was like for me when I went down to Texas to race the Rhapsody Denton Criterium.

Brian Parks and I left Norman yesterday morning around 8:15am and got to the race course at 10:30am. Brian drives like a man possessed! Got there, got my number, got ready, and went out for a short ride to warm up the "mules" for a hard race.

Race time was at 12:45 for the P,1,2,3 race. The field size was between forty and fifty racers with a couple of teams, (Metro Volkswagen, Park Place Lexus) well represented with five to seven riders apiece. I was a little nervous this being my first Texas race of the season and I new it was going to be very, fast!

3-2-1, GO! As predicted, attacks came fast and often. It took a great amount of effort to stay in the top ten riders initially, but after a few laps things settled down just enough to be able to do so.

I would say that I was very active in the race. Maybe to much. Racing in Texas I don't know a lot of the riders or teams, so I don't know who's strong and who' not. So you're taking a gamble anytime you go with an attack or try and bridge a gap. Me being the aggresive type racer, which works for me and against me when I race, went with several of the initial attacks. I would make it into a break only to realize a lap or two later that we had been caught. One can only do this so many times before they burn all their "matches".

Anyhow, a break of three finally got up the road and then another break of four leaving a shattered field to contend for a pack sprint in the end. I ended up sprinting for 10th. Normally the races that I do pay ten deep but today the race only paid seven deep.

I'm happy with how I raced. Halfway through I wanted to quit, but due to the determination, and tenacity that God has put in me, quitting is never an option. I could have raced smarter and had I done that I may have been able to make the winning move of the day. But that's part of bike racing for me this season. To learn how to race well, and not just ride fast. Because, like I said, anybody can ride fast.

Data from Race:
TIme: 1hr 15mins.
Avg Power.: 358watts
Avg Speed: 25.3mph
Avg. Heartrate: 168bpm

Blessed

I'm sitting here at the kitchen table sipping on Gobena coffee, (http://gobena.org/), eating some oatmeal, and watching Lucy, my 2yr old, play. Later this morning myself and a teammate are driving down to Denton, Tx to race.

I was just sitting here thinking how blessed I am. God has given me a beautiful wife and two beautiful kids. God is good! Always, always, always!

The Father's Faithfulness

I am convinced that God the Father is constantly at work in our lives. He is always thinking of us and He has been thinking of us since before we were ever born. Psalm 139:17-18 says, "How precious are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I could count them, they would outnumber the sand...." The peoples of this earth are ALL precious to Him. He cares deeply for us.

With this in mind, why then do I fret about life. Jesus said, "Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?"- Matthew 6:26 So, why do I fret? Why do you fret? God the Father will take care of us! He will supply ALL of our needs! And not just the essential ones, but even the ones that seem insignificant to you.

Catherine and I, every month have to depend on our Heavenly Father to provide for us. We as a family are in a season of God demonstrating to us His faithfulness to provide for all our needs. Some months I don't know how we get by........but we do and it's because our Heavenly Father provides for us. It's this lifestyle of complete dependency on God and His faithfulness that Catherine and I want our children to grow up experiencing and then knowing in their hearts.

We want to pass on revelation of Gods faithfulness and not just information. Let me explain; I think to many people, when they hear someone speak of God's faithfulness or God providing for all their needs, will nod there heads in agreement along with an "amen" here and there. This is what I would call information. But how many of those same people actually open there hearts up to Him and allow themselves to experience His faithfulness and provision in their lives? To allow Him to provide financially for them instead of depending on a credit card, a bank loan, a loan from a family member or friend, etc.?

It's hard to do because we tend to naturally want to pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps. That's the legacy that was passed down to me from my parents, but it's not what I want to pass on to Ezekiel and Lucy. I want for them to grow up knowing, in there hearts, that God is faithful and that He is ALWAYS good!

My Journey

It's been a frustrating few weeks for me. I'm finding myself wanting to fall into some of my old ways of thinking about God and how He interacts with me. About who He is and how He is involved in my life and the life of my family.

A Little Background of My Life

I grew up in a "christian" home, being dragged to church anytime the doors were open. We went to a church that was part of the Plymouth Brethren movement, (http://en.wikipedia.orgwiki/Plymouth_Brethren). Growing up in a church like this was painful. It was painful in the sense that it set the tone for my life and how I saw God for many years to come.
My father was very involved in the church. You might say that he was one of the "elders" although there were no titles in the church. My father ruled the home with an iron fist. He was a harsh disciplinarian and had a very short fuse when it came to me. Not a very patient I was the oldest of four with three younger sisters and grew up with a sense that he preferred them over me. He liked to shut himself up in his room and read all his "religious" books including his plethora of bibles. My father didn't seem to have much time to spend with me and when we did spend time together I was always a tag-along. Not much quality time.

Anyhow, my earthly father shaped and formed how I viewed my Heavenly Father; harsh, short tempered, very temperamental, and always ready to come down hard with discipline when I stepped out of line. This is how I saw my Heavenly Father for thirty-and-a-half years.

Fathers have a HUGE impact on how there children see and view God. And for me that is certainly true as it is for my three sisters. The impact that my father had on his children was and is far reaching.

The Beginning of Change

Then in the fall of 2008 I begin reading a lot. I had never been much of a reader, but I begin reading a book entitled "Blue Like Jazz" by Don Miller. This book started me on a journey of discovering and knowing God as a loving and caring Father. I now find it ironic that this journey for me begin during an election year and that the theme of the elections was "Change". In the political climate of this particular fall, I was seeing my heart drawn to the working poor, the homeless, to the least among us (Matt. 25). My heart was changing. My way of thinking was changing. What I valued was changing. Everything was changing! God the Father, was drawing me to Himself. To know His heart for me. All this had a big impact on the life of my family. My wife, Catherine, had, since we got married, been anticipating that God would "ambush" me someday.

I was beginning to open my heart up to whatever God wanted to do in me. To remove anything in my heart that was not firmly grounded in Him. I begin falling in love with Jesus. He was drawing me after Himself!

"I have loved you with an everlasting love;
therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness"
Jeremiah 31:3

Anyhow, this journey that I set off on in the fall of '08 is one I don't think will have any end. It is a journey that I will continue on for the rest of my life. I desire that my Heavenly Father leave no stone unturned in my heart. I don't want to come to the end of my life leaving my children, Ezekiel and Lucy, the kind of legacy that my father left me. My desire is for my children to "grow in the wisdom and stature" of there Heavenly Father. To know how deeply they are love not just by Catherine and me, but also by God.

Psalm 18

v.1-6 "I love you, God- you make me strong. God is bedrock under my feet, the castle in which I live, my rescuing knight.
My God- the high crag where I run for dear life, hiding behind the boulders, safe in the granite hideout.
I sing to God, the Praise-Lofty, and find myself safe and saved.

The hangman's noose was tight at my throat; devil waters rushed over me. Hell's ropes cinched me tight; death traps barred every exit.

A hostile world! I call to God, I cry to God to help me. Form his palace he hears my call; my cry brings me right into his presence- a private audience!"

v.16-19 "But me he caught- reached all the way from sky to sea; he pulled me out of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos, the void in which I was drowning. They hit me when I was down, but God stuck by me. He stood me up on a wide-open field; I stood there saved- surprised to be loved!"

v.20-24 "God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before Him. When I got my act together, he gave me a fresh start. Now I'm alert to God's ways; I don't take God for granted. Every day I review the ways He works; I try not to miss a trick. I feel put back together, and I'm watching my step. God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to His eyes."

v.25-27 "The good people taste your goodness, the whole people taste your health. The true people taste your truth, the bad ones can't figure you out. You take the side of the down-and-out, but the stuck-up you take down a peg."

v.30 "What a God! His road stretches straight and smooth. Every God-direction is road tested. Everyone who runs towards Him makes it."

Race Season Begins!

I'm tired this morning. Raced both Saturday and Sunday this past weekend in Tulsa. The beginning of the racing season for me and most of my teammates. We had a good showing for both days. Rob Bell got 4th place in the P,1,2 Cowskin Road Race and Joey placed 9th in the P,1,2 Salt Creek Criterium. I had a good race on Saturday finishing 13th in the P,1,2 field. Considering the amount of climbing per lap, I thought I did pretty well for a big boy. I opted not to run my powertap hub, but race on my Easton wheels instead. So, sorry, no power numbers, although my normalized power from last year was over 300 watts. I do know that I was hitting around 4.2-4.4 w/kg which for me is good. I just need to lose another 3-6lbs to get into my "race weight" window, which for me is 195-200.......I guess.

Anyhow, I'm really eager to get some more races under my belt this season. I'm also more motivated than I think I have ever been to be training & racing. That's funny considering the fact that last summer I burned out so badly with cycling. I didn't touch the bike for 7 weeks. I thought I was done for good.

I'm excited to have a team to race with this year. Last year I was the only category 2 racer on my team, so I raced solo quite often in the beginning of the season. Joey upgraded just before Tulsa Tough and that helped, but a two guy team is still no fun. This year we have 5 category 2 racers on Team Undiscovered and I'm impressed with how well our season has started off. The team meshes very well with each other, which is good!

People who know me, know that I've been through quite a life transformation over the past year-and-a-half. And I attribute that change to the unconditional love of my Heavenly Father (God). Simply coming into a realization that God is not angry and disappointed with me has been huge for me. And more recently realizing that my Heavenly Father has put me within the cycling community for a reason. I want to see others impacted by God's unfailing love for them the way that it's impacted me. I don't know what that is going to look like, but that's my heart in all this intense training and racing.......to communicate the love of the Father!

You all are awesome!, whoever you all are who are reading this.

JMill

Race Season!

I'm tired this morning. Raced both Saturday and Sunday this past weekend in Tulsa. The beginning of the racing season for me and most of my teammates. We had a good showing for both days. Rob Bell got 4th place in the P,1,2 Cowskin Road Race and Joey placed 9th in the P,1,2 Salt Creek Criterium. I had a good race on Saturday finishing 13th in the P,1,2 field. Considering the amount of climbing per lap, I thought I did pretty well for a big boy. I opted not to run my powertap hub, but race on my Easton wheels instead. So, sorry, no power numbers, although my normalized power from last year was over 300 watts. I do know that I was hitting around 4.2-4.4 w/kg which for me is good. I just need to lose another 3-6lbs to get into my "race weight" window, which for me is 195-200.......I guess.

Anyhow, I'm really eager to get some more races under my belt this season. I'm also more motivated than I think I have ever been to be training & racing. That's funny considering the fact that last summer I burned out so badly with cycling. I didn't touch the bike for 7 weeks. I thought I was done for good.

I'm excited to have a team to race with this year. Last year I was the only category 2 racer on my team, so I raced solo quite often in the beginning of the season. Joey upgraded just before Tulsa Tough and that helped, but a two guy team is still no fun. This year we have 5 category 2 racers on Team Undiscovered and I'm impressed with how well our season has started off. The team meshes very well with each other, which is good!

People who know me, know that I've been through quite a life transformation over the past year-and-a-half. And I attribute that change to the unconditional love of my Heavenly Father (God). Simply coming into a realization that God is not angry and disappointed with me has been huge for me. And more recently realizing that my Heavenly Father has put me within the cycling community for a reason. I want to see others impacted by God's unfailing love for them the way that it's impacted me. I don't know what that is going to look like, but that's my heart in all this intense training and racing.......to communicate the love of the Father!

You all are awesome!, whoever you all are who are reading this.

JMill

Grace

Last night was somewhat of a sleepless night. Ezekiel, my 5yr old, came and got in bed with me and then coughed about every 2 minutes for what seemed like hours. And I don't think he slept much. He tossed and turned and made it very difficult for me to get some sleep. Catherine, still sick with a cold, slept out on the couch.

At about 3am my daughter Lucy decided to wake up. So, along with Ezekiel both my kids were awake. Yea! I got up went to the kitchen to get her some "milky milk". Ezekiel, totally awake decided he would follow me to the kitchen and get himself a drink. I pleaded with him to go back to his bed and go to sleep so I could deal with his sister and get her back to sleep. This usually means having to lie down with her in order for her to fall asleep.

Ezekiel did awesome! He went to bed by himself. And Lucy eventually fell asleep too. An eventful, not very restful night, but.........God's grace.....is awesome! Hopefully Catherine will be all better today.

Oh, and before I forget, both my kids had the onset of ear infections over the past 24hrs. Catherine prayed for them both, declaring healing over there ears, and......no ear infections! God is always good!

The beginning.......I think

So, I've decided that I will try my hand at writing a blog. I have never thought of myself as a writer by any stretch of the imagination, but here I go............

So why write a blog. Ehh, I don't know. I'ts just been something that I've been thinking about for the past few days. Shoots, I may not even do this for more than a week or so. I'll just see how it goes. It just seems like one more thing to keep up with.

If your reading this you undoubtedly know me so you know that I enjoy riding my bike quite a bit. I've been riding a lot here in the past month. 1246miles @ 67hrs to be exact for the month of February. My race season starts this weekend up in T-Town (Tulsa), so I hope all the training will pay off. I feel more motivated to be training than I have in a long time and I'm not sure why.

Okay, I'm going to go to bed now. Catherine has been sick with a cold the past two days and I've been taking care of things around the house i.e. feeding the kids, getting them to bed, etc., so I'm tired.........